Jesus Love Me even if I am a Fat Pig

In the New Testament there is a quote that says “Enter ye in at the strait gate: for wide is the gate, and broad is the way, that leadeth to destruction, and many there be which go in thereat:” ...while thinking about this, it seems to me it once said something about entering at the narrow gate and the fact that there were few who found it but that could well be my projection or something said by someone else that was taken from it.

I once saw a cartoon that had two bookstores side by side. They each had a sign. One sign said, “Great books that will improve your mind and your life.” The other said, “Cheap and trivial crap for the masses.” There was a huge line in front of that store and no one in front of the other.

Tangentially, Disney is all concerned about Miley Cyrus showing some skin because Disney is all about family values; until you start looking at Disney behind the scenes. They refused to distribute Fahrenheit 911 and Disney has been up to much worse in the last few decades than sponsoring the twit offspring of an “Achy Breaky Heart” who offered up a glimpse of something that is already on sale with all its parts and levels. Whoring is the name of the game and whether you’re talking about Janet Jackson’s fashion accident, the musical accidents of the Mousketeers or the accidental coincidence of the violent rap they manufacture to counterpoint the high fructose content of the other, you’re talking about hypocrisy and profit and souls and flesh for sale.

Life has become a science fiction movie with H.P. Lovecraft overtones. It is as if a living darkness is winding up out of the factories and corporations, the schools and the entertainment complexes and moving into the sewers and subway systems until it comes through the ventilators, up over the airwaves, weaving into fantastic sounds and shapes; never fixed and ever changing. It is always saying two things at once. It is hungry and filled with a hot, black fire that eats its surroundings and then shits out stranger and stranger environments that become the new normal because it’s everywhere you look and everything you hear. It’s all Chthulu, winding like endless pasta around a pitchfork in the hands of a devil with a thousand hands and five hundred heads and it’s all the same thing.

In The Bible they call this thing ‘Legion’.

Yes, Disney Corp. is a lying many-headed, cold blooded industry with jibbering, cute cartoon characters that want us all to live in a safe, clean Wonder Bread world. It’s a safe clean Christian world too. In the Christian world all you have to do is ‘be saved’. It doesn’t matter who you are or what you’ve done and it doesn’t even matter what you do as long as it fits the schematic of the organization as its tenants have been translated by whoever is fronting for it. One born again Christian can even laugh about the execution of another born again Christian whose fate he controlled; g.w.b. mocked Karla Faye Tucker and that’s cool with Jesus too.

This may be why you see so many fundamentalist Christians wearing Wide Load Jeans and having to pay for two airline seats to fly from Mobile to Fresno. Once you’ve been saved you can eat as if it were breathing and all of that quivering Jello will smother and muffle the sexual fire that is a big, bad no, no... Yes, once you know that Jesus loves you then you can work that fork and spoon until you look like the Michelin Tire Man and float right on up to Heaven with The Pillsbury Doughboy; Reverend Hagee ...and dance among the stars with the lady from “Jesus Camp.”

Once you’ve been saved you can eat anything and become eligible for your own zip code. Once you’ve been saved, you can clearly see all of the people that are going to Hell. You can take anything in The Bible and translate it to mean anything that you want because you are saved. Being saved opens your eyes to a whole new world where you believe everything you are told as long as it is coming from someone else who is saved.

You can look right at the world and see it for what it is. Imagine that the world is a transvestite, like that guy from The Rocky Horror Picture Show. Imagine that he’s wearing a great big crucifix. He’s all gothed out and wearing a tight skirt that’s slit up to the crotch. He’s got two heads. One of them looks like Marilyn Manson and the other one looks like Halley Mills as Pollyanna. She’s got her tongue running over her lips. She’s on the left hand side and the left hand is holding a semi-hard cock that sticks out of the slit. On the other side Manson is giving you a stern look and wagging the index finger of the right hand in the “No, no.” way that your mom might have done when you were five years old. That’s the world and that’s Christianity too.

In the world of the saved Christian, Rush Limbaugh can demand that drug users get the death penalty and then get caught trafficking in massive amounts of Oxycodone for his personal use and where all sorts of doctor fraud was also present and it’s perfectly reasonable and alright. Bill Bennett can talk about the moral high ground and gamble away millions in Las Vegas. Jesus is down with that. Christian ministers and Republican lawmakers can get caught in droves engaging in homosexual pedophilia and propositioning park rangers and undercover police and it’s the first thing you would probably think of when you ask yourself, “What would Jesus do?”

Palestinians of all ages can be routinely murdered by The Chosen People in The Holy Land and that is God’s will when you are a saved Christian in a leisure suit, constructed by Omar the Tentmaker, waiting for the rapture that is sure to come just as soon as the real bad guys attack Israel.

Here’s a little tidbit from Charisma Magazine along with a telling quote, “Born-again Christians have not been spared this epidemic. In fact we actually lead the pack!” She’s talking about obesity. When you’re a saved Christian it’s hard not to be self-satisfied and self-satisfying while you are at it.

Let’s face it people, America is the easy way out society. It makes you wonder about entering in at the strait gate and walking the narrow path when you are a double-wide. It gives new meaning to “b-r-o-a-d is the way.” But heck, once you’re saved it’s as easy as pie, no matter how many slices you have. It couldn’t be any easier than being saved. Once you are saved you can do anything and be forgiven (snap of fingers) just like that!

Saved is one of the most successful scams in the world because it requires nothing more than a few moments of rigmarole followed by a lifetime of not having to worry about anything any more. All the other Christians are compelled to love you no matter how cinemascope you get.

I guess I’m just an insensitive guy. My problem is that I can trace the bloody footprints from the front door of a four hundred pound saved Christian to the Christian lobby to the halls of Congress to the blasted corpses of dead children in the streets of Gaza. My problem is being offended when white Christian teleministers in Banana Republic Safari Suits go to African famine zones and paint sugar water under the eyes of starving black children with distended bellies to attract the flies in order to make the photo-op more compelling... so they can rake in the donations that buy the Rolexes and pay for the all you can eat dinners for the Merchants of Hunger Porn.

Is this irony or is it something more? The two headed transvestite waves it’s dick at me and shakes its finger but it doesn’t say anything. I could maybe ‘do’ Halley Mills but not while Marilyn Manson is watching.

Visible and The Critical List: ♫ Overweight Lover ♫
'Overweight Lover' is track no. 3 of 9 on Visible and The Critical List's 1993 album
'Jews from Outer Space'
Lyrics (pops up)